Alone and Lonely

I spent as much time with Kari as I could. I loved her so much but didn’t know how to show it. I didn’t know what to do with her so I took her to McDonalds. 

We shared hamburgers, fries and a soda and she played in the playground.

I saw forlorn dads doing the same with their kids and I felt like a failure.

On one long weekend off, I called my ex-husband, James, to see if I could get Kari.

A woman answered, “Hello.”

“Uh, can I talk to James?”

When he got on the phone I asked, “Can I get Kari for the weekend?”

“She’s at her aunts.”

We didn’t have any relatives in the area, so I asked, “Who is that?”

“I’m married.”

Winter came in cold and blustery. I felt like a dead leaf as I tumbled around the streets of Memphis. Barely functioning, I had called in sick so many times I was about to lose my job. One afternoon I overheard the staff chaplain say “Earl.”

I interrupted, “Is he the Earl who was here before?”

“Yes,” he said.

“How long has he been back?” I demanded.

“About a week.”

“You tell him to get his ass up here right NOW!”

Earl arrived without calling. After “Hello,” he said, “About your message. I wasn’t in the office when John got there so he wrote down what you said and put it on the message board for all the chaplains to see.” (I might have said something about my cowboy boots.)

I hadn’t thought about everyone knowing what I said, or how he would feel. I hesitated then said, “I’m sorry,” and followed with, “Why are you back here?”

“I’m doing a second CPE unit.”

We didn’t hug, or even touch, but started eating supper together again.

As Christmas approached, I made sure Earl knew about the party on our floor. It was on my day off so I took Kari, who had just turned four, with me. When she met Earl, she leaned against his legs and chattered to him to keep his attention focused on her.

The day after I took Kari back to my ex-husband he called, “Who the hell is Earl?”

In Christ,

Berta

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Still a Long Way Off

The parable of the prodigal son was my story. I had a well-paying job I loved but had nothing else to fill my life. I wasted my money on physical things I thought would make me happy.  I only felt worse. 

I hated being alone so I sought the company of other people who also hated being alone. After each night out, each party, I was alone again.

Earl and I met and spent time together at the hospital. Without a word of condemnation or salvation from him, God’s love began to seep in to my heart. We began dating after a year. My partying friends noticed I drank less, cursed less and acted different.

My entire social structure collapsed in on me one night. Tears blurred my vision as I drove to Earl’s apartment. Through sobs, I told him, “I don’t know what to do. My friends won’t talk to me. They laughed when I talked about you.”

He held me close and I calmed down. He kissed my salty cheek and told me he loved me. We talked a while then he asked, “Will you marry me?” Of course, I said yes.

Another year passed and I became a pastors’ wife. Suddenly I knew why my friends laughed when I spoke of Earl. I didn’t belong among church people. I didn’t deserve to be a wife—especially a pastors’ wife. My sins were too terrible, too many, too ugly, too harmful, too selfish, too damaging!

My shame ran deep. Like poison in my veins, it was killing me slowly and painfully. I knew I deserved the flames that were licking at my feet.

It took four more years for me to consider that God might love me in spite of me. I opened up to a small group of young Christian women and learned I wasn’t the first to feel defeated. When I cried out to God, I was amazed at how quickly I felt His presence. His peace filled my spirit and I felt His love for the first time.

I joined the church members the next Sunday as a fellow worshipper of God and faithful member of Christ’s church. I began courageously witnessing to God’s love, peace, grace and forgiveness in my life when and wherever God opened a door.

My Father has provided all I have needed and more than I deserve. He is faithful in all His promises and I am blessed to be His daughter.

“But while she was still a long way off, her father saw her and was filled with compassion for her; he ran to his daughter, threw his arms around her and kissed her” (Luke 15:21 NIV personalized by writer).

In Christ,

Berta

Friends, Remember to share with your friends. People are being blessed around the world for God. I am so thankful to be a broken vessel in the hands of a loving God. May He bless you. 

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My Cheeks Are Wet With Joy

 Alone.

I lie here in my room.

A month. Now a year.

How long, O Lord?

Abandoned as one once loved.

Separated by circumstances.

Isolated and forgotten.

A tear tendrils down my cheek.

I hear one say.

“I’d be crazy.”

I reply.

“Welcome to my world.”

Satan hears my weakness.

And takes just that moment.

To whisper in my ear.

“God doesn’t care.”

In my tears, God reminds me.

Satan can’t read my thoughts.

He only hears my voice.

I lift it up to God.

My worship of God reviles him.

I bind and cast him out.

He has no authority.

I am a child of God.

 I thank Jesus for his sacrifice.

His cleansing healing blood.

And for this life he gave me.

Days of bad and good.

Even for this day.

Overwhelmed by loneliness.

I praise his holy name.

My cheeks are wet with joy.

By Berta Dickerson