Healing Your Past

Earl gave me a laptop computer in 1993 and encouraged me to journal. I pecked at the keyboard each day, writing about my life. I saw terrible words appear before me. Words that made me feel dirty. Ugly. They taunted me. I couldn’t face my past so I deleted it every afternoon before Earl came home.

A few months later God began waking me in the night and reminding me of the pain I’d suffered and caused. As soon as I was in my wheelchair each morning, my aide set up my laptop and I wrote until there was nothing more to write.

Weeks went by before I sat down to read my notes. Abstract and disconnected words and phrases confused me. Finally, I asked God for clarity and we went through it a little at a time. I took one or two words and built sentences. I took two or three sentences and created paragraphs filling in details I recalled as I wrote. Each memory seemed to trigger another and another. Soon the story became clear.

I cried as I faced my past showing in stark detail on my computer screen. I prayed for forgiveness and my tears began washing away the hatred and anger, the shame and embarrassment, the regret and more.

God began healing my past with His love that day. He has walked with me through it all and brought me into the Light.

We can’t hide from our pasts. All of our life experiences have helped form who we are today. However, God can heal your past if you ask Him. He chooses to forget our forgiven sins.

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23,24 NIV).

In Christ,

Berta

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Ashamed of the Pain

I talk about my injury with people everywhere I go, and I hear this often: “You’re easy to talk to, but I don’t know what to say to most people in wheelchairs. They seem angry. How do you do so well?”

Honestly, I only do well sometimes. I have to face my enemies every day.


I had just accepted the unconditional love and forgiveness Jesus offers eight months before I drove through an intersection and under a logging truck.

After coming home from rehabilitation at Shepherd Center in Atlanta, GA, I felt worthless. I refused help from everyone but my family. I sat day after day, and year after year, with my eyes closed. Sometimes I was asleep, but mostly I was hiding.

I was ashamed of the pain I caused my family and friends. I prayed God would take me home. I can’t describe the depth of my pain, guilt, depression, and frustration of facing life dependent on other people.

Today I can tell you, “God is good!” He uses people like you every day of my life to bless and minister to me. A Sunday school teacher invited me to teach once a month. The church secretary asked me to write for the newsletter. Friends asked questions and I began telling what God was doing in my life.

Do I believe Gods will for me is healing? Yes. Does that mean complete healing of my earthly body? I don't know. I do know I’ll have a glorified body in heaven. Today I have continuous healing of my mind, body, soul, and spirit. I no longer live in guilt but in the joy of my Lord and Savior.

Through Jesus life, death and resurrection I have been made whole.

I pray my testimony blesses you. Though we may never meet here on earth, we are all sisters and brothers in Christ Jesus and heirs of the Kingdom of God.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-6 NIV.)

In Christ,

Berta  

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Photo, A Dry and Barren Land, courtesy of iStock

What If...

Do you ever play the “What if__?” game? I have and do often. Today is no exception. “If I hadn’t gone to the farmer’s market when I knew I was hurting yesterday, my pressure sore wouldn’t look so bad.”

Yesterday. Saturday. The one day each week Earl and I try to get out together. One thirty minute trek was not the cause, but it sure played out that way in both our minds.

Complete bed rest and daily bed baths will continue for a long time to come.

If I hadn’t had the wreck. If I’d been more cautious. If I…

Then I go to “Why?” And you know where that goes. Still, I cry. “Haven’t Earl and I had enough, Lord?”

Now on Sunday morning, Earl prays healing for my sore and goes to church alone. I wonder how he does it—preach the Good News. I know the Holy Spirit fills him, speaks through him, and strengthens him. I pray that over him every night and by his example, I am encouraged.

I’m reminded of the banner I received twenty-three years ago and my reaction to it. “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6 NIV). “What good can come out of this?” I asked.

I know God is making me more like Jesus. Living for Christ isn’t easy. His desire may seem too much for my mortal body. Yet, I strive for perfection in His calling and look forward to putting on my immortality.

I pray God will continue to use me in all circumstances.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4 NIV).

In Christ,

Berta

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Healing From the Inside Out

Abuse tainted my childhood and four years in the Navy taught me the ways of a sailor. Later, a failed marriage sent me spinning out of control. As an LPN, I got a job at Methodist Hospital (Memphis) where I worked afternoons and weekends to limit my drinking hours.

I had no self-worth and no hope.

Then I met Earl, the chaplain for the floor I worked on. He invited me to eat supper with him at the hospital cafeteria often and became a friend.  I told him all about my life and he listened. He never preached at me but encouraged me to call him if I needed help. Still, I kept him at a distance—no home telephone number and no address.

One evening at supper, he asked me out. I said “No” and asked him if he was crazy. He didn’t give up, and a year after we met we went on our first date. He proposed just two months later and of course, I said “Yes.”

I went to church with him a few times, and we always sat in the last pew. I never listened to the sermon. I didn’t know Jesus but scheduled my baptism with the pastor because I thought a preacher’s wife should be baptized. I answered the pastors’ questions appropriately, making a profession of faith, and he poured a palm-full of cold water on my head. As it slowly trickled down my scalp, I thought, “Shouldn’t I feel saved?”

Four years into our marriage, and holding the esteemed position of pastor's wife, my past had devoured my soul. I avoided church and church members for fear they’d see the real me.

Earl and a few of his close friends encouraged me to go on a Walk to Emmaus. I heard testimonies from several of God’s forgiven daughters. I felt like the woman at the well: I met a man who “told me everything I have ever done” (John 4:29 NIV). I accepted God’s forgiveness that weekend and promised I would tell every one of His great love and mercy.

Father, You saw and touched the depths of my soul—my pain, my shame, my past. You brought it all out of the darkness, into the light and under the blood. You healed me and freed me from my chains. May I always boldly proclaim Your Word as you bind up the brokenhearted and set the captives free (Isaiah 61:1; Luke 4:18 NIV).

In Christian Love,

Berta

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God's Timing

Do you ever feel like God has forgotten you? Or forgotten a promise He made to you? I have. A few months before my injury I attended a spiritual gifts workshop. We filled out surveys then broke into small groups. My group determined my gift was “healing,” a repeated theme in my spiritual walk that I had ignored because everyone knew I was a nurse. That day I believed it and it scared me.

I talked to a friend who listened and prayed with me. When he got up to leave he said, “You have to be healed before you can heal.”

I didn’t understand. I wasn’t sick.

After my injury, I believed God would heal me instantly—so I could begin my healing ministry.

God’s timing is not our timing. It requires us to persevere in our trusting God. This may mean years of patience and longsuffering. What gives us strength to wait upon the Lord? We must focus on His promises and the fulfillment of them. We must be careful not to go before Him as Abraham and Sarah did (Genesis 16 NIV).

God will do His part but we are responsible to do ours. We must move in great faith, being ready to answer His call. Remember that acting in faith builds faith. God starts us with small things, and if He finds us trustworthy, He will give us authority over many things (Matthew 25:23).

There will be battles. Satan will try to steal our destinies. Trials and travail bring us to new levels in our walk with Christ. We must recognize our need for help, humble ourselves and ask for prayer, counsel, and encouragement.

Stand together with your brothers and sisters in Christ knowing He is with you carrying you when needed. He promises that He will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

His timing may surprise you today.

“To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8).

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings (1 Peter 5:8-9 NIV).

In Christian Love,

Berta

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Bear One Another's Burdens...

When Earl married me, he adopted our daughter, Kari; and his father adopted me. We are family. This is a prime example of God’s family: If you belong to Jesus, and I belong to Jesus, you are my brother or sister. And family, I need you to pray.

 

 

I know you already pray for Earl and me, but I’m asking you today to pray specifically for our health. Most of you are aware of my pressure sore and the long battle we’ve been fighting to get it healed. During this battle, I have become physically weak, spiritually dry, and emotionally lonely.

 

I miss being with my small groups (United Methodist Women, Crosstalk Sunday school class, W.I.S.E. –Women’s Inspirational Study Experience—etc.) in fellowship and in ministry. Ministry that I believe God called me to. Likewise, this situation is affecting Earl.

 

I need healing prayer for my mind, body, soul and spirit. I’ve gone through deep valleys of depression, anger, and self-pity and I don’t want to go back there again. Sing God’s praise and pray for His strength to carry Earl and me through this trial that we may able to minister in His name.

 

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2 ESV).

 

“Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:19 NIV).

 

Will you pray with me now? Father, we thank you for the gifts of family, fellowship, and Christian community where we can reach out in troubled times. Help us to live in Your love and grace; gifts we cannot earn because You give them freely. Thank You for the Blood that washes us white as snow and the salvation it represents. Send Your Holy Spirit to heal Your people. In Jesus name, Amen

 

In Christian Love,

Berta

My Hiding Place

I talk about my injury with people everywhere I go, and I hear this often: “You’re easy to talk to, but I don’t know what to say to most people in wheelchairs. They seem angry. How do you do so well?”

Honestly, I only do well sometimes. I have to face my enemies every day. I had just accepted the unconditional love and forgiveness Jesus offers eight months before I drove through an intersection and under a logging truck.

After coming home from rehabilitation at Shepherd Center in Atlanta, GA, I felt worthless. I refused help from everyone but my family. I sat day after day, and year after year, with my eyes closed. Sometimes I was asleep, but mostly I was hiding. I was ashamed of being an invalid and prayed God would take me home. I can’t describe the depth of my pain, guilt, depression, and frustration of facing life as a quadriplegic.

I can tell you, “God is good!” He uses people like you every day of my life to bless and minister to me. A Sunday school teacher invited me to teach once a month. The church secretary asked me to write for the newsletter. Friends asked questions and I began telling what God was doing in my life.

Do I believe Gods will for me is healing? Yes. Does that mean complete healing of my earthly body? I know I’ll have a glorified body in heaven, but today I have healing of my mind, my soul, and my spirit. I’m no longer “in-valid.” I’m a person—a wife, mother, sister, and friend—with a disability.

I pray my testimony blesses you. Though we may never meet here on earth, we are all sisters and brothers in Christ Jesus and heirs of the Kingdom of God.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-6 NIV.)

In Christian Love,
  Berta
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A Crown of Thorns

After my accident in 1991, I remember:

When I looked up, all I could see was a black metal circle and two screws sticking out of my forehead. There were two more screws behind my ears. We called it my "crown of thorns." Four bars connected the circle to a leather vest. It had kept my neck still for three months so the broken bones could fuse.

One day, a doctor I'd never seen before came into my room and said, "I'm going to remove your halo screws today. The x-rays they took yesterday show the bones in your neck are fused. When was your vest taken off and the cervical collar put on?"

"Yesterday, after the x-rays," I whispered through my tracheostomy.

"Good," she said. Showing me a wrench she'd brought in she continued, "Now this won't hurt."

At first, all I felt was pressure as each screw was turned, but it must have looked awful because my sister, Bobbi, was sitting on the floor in front of me holding my hand and crying.

"Ouch!" It was hurting.

Nobody was paying attention to me. Finally, Bobbi felt me move my hand, looked up and saw my distress.

"My hair!" I mouthed.

Some hair had twisted around the screw and the doctor didn't know what to do. "I can't screw it back in."

"Cut it!" I cried.

A few minutes later, "Well the last screw is out. How does that feel?"

The pain and muscle spasms in my neck were unbelievable. I had to lean back and let the headrest on my wheelchair support me. Frustrated, I couldn't understand why this was happening to me.

As I sat in tears, God reminded me it was Good Friday. Traditionally, it was the day Jesus' Crown of Thorns was placed on His head. - Today mine was removed.

Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. (Isaiah 53:4-5 NIV)

My crown of thorns was insignificant. His Crown of Thorns was my healing.

In Christ Alone,
Berta

Love Your Neighbor

In the early days of my life with a spinal cord injury, a friend from our church visited our home while Earl was feeding me. She didn’t greet me but asked, “Oh Earl, can I feed her?”

Earl looked at my flushed face and saw tears drop from my bowed head to my lap. I was a baby. A cripple. An invalid. Humiliated and unable to take another bite I wheeled to my bedroom.

After that, when offered a cool glass of water I would respond, “I’m OK. Earl will be here in a few minutes.”

“Can I get that for you?”

“Earl will get it.”

“Are you hungry?”

“Earl will get me something when he gets back.”

Earl encouraged me, “Berta, you need to let others help you sometimes.”

After months in rehab learning to do things for myself and trusting people around me, I had let that one statement steal my self-esteem.

Once I allowed my friends to help me, I found a new purpose in my life. I made a list of telephone numbers of women in our church that couldn’t always come to services. Each morning I prayed over my list and asked God to bless them in whatever struggle they were in. Then I picked one number to call. I had no idea what we would talk about once they answered, but I dialed their numbers anyway.

In the beginning, my calls surprised the women. They surprised me too. However, God had a plan.

There were women on my list that I never met face to face. I finally met Callie after two years of telephone ministry. Some women were young. Some were old. All needed Christian love, acceptance and encouragement—just like me. Over time, our relationships grew into a sisterhood of believers in Jesus that I‘d cherish forever.

Accepting the gifts of servants healed my crippled spirit.

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Galatians 5:13,14 NIV).

In Christ Alone,
Berta